I hate writing these. I go to look for something in Medium that I want to share and I can never find where I started. This story is the beginning.https://medium.com/centering-yourself/the-reason-it-might-look-like-guilt-44cb8aeb6fa4?source=friends_link&sk=aeb77b7edc97af3a0f07893385f64be5

I have suffered from depression for over 30 years.

I quit a job that meant being away from my family for 5 or 6 days a week and I had 3 teenage sons.

I was in such a bad place that I took my son’s paper route.

It was winter and the early mornings meant it was black outside. After 4 or 5 days I came home and collapsed on the landing to the upstairs.

I cried. Then I cried. And some more.

That day I did go to the doctor.

All I could afford was Elavil. Prozac had just come out but I didn’t have insurance. The side effects were horrific.

After some months I felt strong enough to get a job and then I got insurance and Prozac. What a relief.

The Veterans Administration put me on Mirtazapine not long ago. That too is a major improvement.

Now if I could get it to deal with my health issues from dioxin I would be happier.

I suffer from several heart issues and cellulitis with edema, which is a daily battle.

Thank God that my bride is patient with me. Some days I am so angry and I don’t know why.

I hope to finish the article I posted above. The gist of the story is the guilt I suffer from sending so many young men mostly but also a few women to Vietnam to die.

Someday maybe I can finish the story but not yet.

After my wife these are my best friends:

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Berkely is a Landseer Newfoundland and Mango is a Flame Point Ragdoll. We also have a Chocolate Point Ragdoll. Her name is Lacie.

I used to walk with Berkely every morning. But I don’t have any cartilage in my knees. It is too painful to walk.

Someday things will get better.

I hope for the best for you. If you are religious I have a publication called Centering Yourself.

Perhaps you would consider writing for it.

Shalom (God is fighting for your peace)


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Retired. I write about Current Events, Personal Experiences on Medium, on Blogger with several sites, WordPress, Substack and Gumroad.

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